Regrets
by Rose G
Summary: When Sun Hill exploded in a fireball, Mickey lost the only person he had left to love. Reposted from TBFF.


Regrets  
Rose G

DISCLAIMER: 'The Bill' characters depicted in this story are copyrighted to Thames Television/Pearson Corp. All other characters depicted in this story are copyrighted to the relevant author or creator.

A/N - Repost from TBFF

I sit at my desk in the office - canteen rather, wincing at the smell of cooking bacon, the reek of stale smoke from what used to be CID and something that's probably death. I can't bear this much longer - I'd rather be at Dagenham, at Barton Street, anywhere. Chandler's the one I can't bear - him smirking and Meadows worrying, the other moving like robots, all of them waiting for me to break down, to snap and lose control, not be able to hack it any more. All I know is they won't have a very long wait. Sun Hill's like a nightmare world, not the haven I found after Dagenham.

Danny spent most of yesterday with the counsellor - I couldn't even walk through that door. Not to tell someone how I feel, I couldn't do that. Dunc's planning on getting smashed out of his skull tonight and he asked me to go along, but I don't know. It never has been my way - you hide from something or someone and they have a habit of getting you worse. I guess I'll tough it out again, like I've done so many times before. I loved Kate so much I don't think there's any words for it, so like everything else I've loved, she'll just be a memory I can't cope with until one day... I don't want to think about what I might do one day.Meadows is here now, standing behind me, over me. Fear grabs me, for a long minute I'm back fifteen years and my old man's knocking me about. Then I remember that Meadows isn't like the others, he's more intelligent than he looks and he knows. He puts his hand on my shoulder, doesn't care that I flinch away from habit.

He's staring at the photograph that's face down on my desk, and I know he wants me to turn it over, so I do. I have to look away from that face that I know so well - the face I last saw burnt, disfigured, dead - Kate's face, long dark hair, huge dark eyes. Meadows' voice is strangely neutral.

'She was pretty, eh, Mickey?' His grip tightens on my shoulder. I wonder if he knows how much that last sentence hurt me, or if he even cares. But I do know that he wants a reply, even though my throat feels strange and my eyes sting and Danny's eavesdropping again. And I don't want to let Meadows down.

I won't let him down, not the man who let me come to Sun Hill when no one else would let me transfer to their station, not Meadows who helped me more than I deserve with those memories and wounds that will never heal.

'She was sir. She really was special.' Even I can hear the crack in my voice and I turn away from him and Danny. I wish Danny would bugger off. Then even as I think that, he does. Somehow, I think Meadows' well known glare has got a lot to do with that. He really doesn't like any of his troops crying, so its me he must be annoyed with, not Danny but Danny doesn't know that.

'You liked her, didn't you Mickey?' His voice with that distinctive Yorkshire burr is shrewd; it's obvious what he means.

I have to answer him know, even though I've never even said it out loud to myself. 'I loved her. More than I ever loved anyone.' Tears spring to my eyes and I try to wipe them away, but Meadows sees; he grabs my hand and won't let me.

'It's alright, Mickey. Everyone cries sometimes.' His voice is strange, I've never heard that soft tone from him before - compassion is the word, isn't it? - and it hurts me. I've never liked people caring for me because they tend to start hurting you, but you can never stop Meadows.

He's still got his arm around my shoulders, so it isn't that hard for me to realise he's tensed up, ready to hit someone. Believe me, I know what someone whose about to hit you is like. I can't stop myself cowering away, the memories are too vivid - I can almost feel the blows and hear the screams. But I know, at least I think I know that he won't ever hurt me.

'Go. Away. Get. Out.' His voice cracks like a whip, every word a separate sentence, so I can guess full well who he's speaking to. Over to the left, I can hear someone - Tony Stamp? Boyden? gasp with surprise.

It's Chandler - I'd recognise his voice anywhere. Even his footsteps are smug. 'What is it this time, Jack? Your precious confidentiality again or what?' I hate him. I hate him so much I can't think of a suitable way of hurting him and I know firsthand a lot of ways of hurting people and an unpleasant imagination.

'Piss off, Chandler.' I have to look round then, and everyone else is so busy watching the showdown they don't notice that I'm still crying, even though I feel like a Gunner's fans at White Hart Lane. I didn't know that Meadows knew so many swear words - even I have to wince at one of them.

Boyden lumbers to his feet, and Chandler who might actually be more sensible than we ever gave him credit for, backs out of the room. Its not quite end of REFs but a stream of uniform lads follow him, led by Boyden, which doesn't half speed him up. I doubt it's coincidence - they've lost mates as well, and they ain't really in the mood for Chandler's 'sympathy.'

Meadows turns back to me, and I'm too slow to look away, so he sees me crying for the first time. He's helped me a lot, through the bad times, he knows a lot about my relationship with my father that I never thought I'd be able to say aloud because of the pain and humiliation, but he's never seen me grieve before now. Lets face it - I haven't got any real family, Mum left a long while ago and Father, well... I'd be glad to see him go. And all my mates are like me - thinking we're going to live forever.

I see the expression in his eyes, and I just can't help myself. It's been a long time since I've wept, since I've trusted anyone enough to lower all my defences in front of them. I trusted Kate and funnily enough, I used to trust Don but Meadows is different. I can feel my face burning and my tears taste salty, which I must have known about once but forgotten and he just stands there without saying a word. It feels like I'm half dead already, like half my heart's been ripped out. I've never felt like this, ever. But above all that, I know I've let Meadows down and that hurts as well even though I couldn't help it.

And finally, I can't cry any more. Her face is still staring up at me; she still isn't here in the building. I can't hear her voice, smell her perfume, listen to her footsteps coming up the stairs. I've lost her, forever.

_Forever_. That word burns itself into my brain. I'll never see her again.

Half under my breath, I whisper, 'I love you, Kate.'

Then Meadows finally moves his arm off my shoulders, slips round to the other side of the desk. 'She knew that, Mickey. Believe me, she knew.' His voice is so soft that no one else could hear him, but I do and I'm grateful.

I feel so lonely now though, lonelier than I can ever remember being and I think he realises. That piercing gaze levels up with my silver cross.

'You've worn that cross for as long as I can remember, haven't you, Mickey? And you believe in everything that it stands for?'

'Yeah...'

'In an afterlife, in Heaven and Hell?'

I don't have the energy to fully explain what I believe. 'Sort of like that, Guv'nor.'

'Then you should be sure that you'll see her again and that she's alright now, in a better place. I don't know if you're right or wrong but if you trust...' His voice peters out and I'm not sure who he means me to trust in. 'And Mickey, believe me, I'll make that smarmy bastard pay for what he done to her. Promise.'

I look up at him - this man I owe so much to - and I have to trust him. There's nothing I can say to him except two words that I stumble over.

'Thanks, Guv'nor.'

He smiles and nods - he knows what I mean. But I still regret losing her. Regret everything I've ever done, regret letting him down and Kate die. This is what I am - regret and a loser.


End file.
